Survivor: LDS Author Style

Ok, I’ve thought of this before, but I’m actually going to write it down and give it ‘character’ in more ways than one. My new goal (one that will never happen) is to be the host of Survivor: LDS Authors. Why? Who cares? I live in a make believe world in my mind where I’m actually cool. Deal with it.

Anyway, I’m combining two of my favorite things here: the television series Survivor along with, well, my joy in stalking LDS Authors? (I don’t know, whatever. This is a fun post, not a serious one. Again, I’m cool in my head.) And with that, comes Survivor: LDS Authors, which takes place in either Moab or Sundance. Depending on when it happens and where the weather is worse. (Note: worse weather = location).

Well, who do I have on my tribes, you may be wondering? Well, of course that’s what this post is about. Pretty much, everyone is getting some more advertising from me. Shoot, one of these people is actually not published. One day she will be, but she just fits the dynamic of this group. Anyway, without further ado, I give you the two tribes of Survivor: LDS Authors.

Nephi Tribe:
Brandon Sanderson: How can I not put in one of my favorite presenters? Will he be able to outlast the 19 other contestants with his witty repartee and separate the game from fantasy from reality? Hmmm…..
Aprilynne Pike: It was honestly difficult putting Brandon on the same team as Aprilynne. But, the other option I had in this slot was too big of a name and this tribe would be the ‘famous’ tribe just for having those two together. But Aprilynne is just as funny as Brandon. (Too bad, unless I’m way off, she’s pregnant and can’t do it. Again, this game is in my mind and she’s not with child there.)
Robison Wells: He’s a pretty funny guy. Wrote books mocking LDS culture, in a way. Well, not completely. But he does joke a lot. This tribe is sure to be laughing just from the first three people I named. Yeah, Robison’s books aren’t as big as his big brother’s are right now, but just wait to see the other tribe.
Sarah M. Eden: Well, ok, maybe this is should be the ‘Jokes-a-lot’ Tribe. Sarah Eden has personality, humor. Plus, she’s short and may be able to hide from people if they want to vote her out. “Where’d Sarah go? Did we already vote her out? Ok then, time to vote for ___” (Just kidding, Sarah).
J. Scott Savage: Another funny guy. His advantage: People won’t know whether to write Jeff or Scott when they want to vote him out. They’ll be so confused, they’ll probably vote out somebody else.
Josi Kilpack: Everyone I met that met her, loves her, thinks she’s awesome. Whatever. Either way, she’s a worthy member for this tribe. And the titles of her books make me laugh. (Or hungry, whatever.)
Jerry Borrowman: (I honestly didn’t know whether or not Jerry had a website for me to link to until I googled it for this blog.) Jerry is the token ‘old guy’ who’s also very cool. Honestly, listening to his comments during the class on internet marketing was enjoyable. Everyone will love him.
Annette Lyon: She’s bubbly, fun, and awesome. And….she’s a word nerd. Ought to make for an entertaining bunch.
Marion Jensen: (aka Matthew Buckley) He’s as hilarious as the rest. And, to top that off, he’s pretty random. I always enjoy some randomness.
Elana Johnson: I hope I linked to her blog. If not…oh well. Here is my special guest, up-and-coming author. Elana is awesome (per reading her posts to our writers group) and anyone who was rejected 180 times in a year and still was asked to teach about “Writing a Killer Query” deserves a spot on a tribe.

Well, that’s the Nephi Tribe. Now to my other tribe.

Moroni Tribe:
Stephenie Meyer: Um….duh! How can I not put in the current most famous LDS Author in the world. Really? Young women (and a lot of other women) would literally punch me if she didn’t make it on a tribe. But I couldn’t have her with Brandon Sanderson….the fame would be too high on that tribe.
James Dashner: What? You didn’t put him first? You didn’t bow to him and say “Here’s the prize for winning”? Nope, I’m not going to do that. If he wins Survivor: LDS Authors he needs to earn it. Now, if we put an endless maze as a competition for them to play in….
Jessica Day George: Now both tribes have fiery fun redheads. Jessica has a lot of flair for sticking to her opinion (just listen to her guest spots on the writing excuses podcasts this season.
Dan Wells: (You google Dan Wells and you get pics of some shirtless guy? Weird, strange, and random.) Speaking of Writing Excuses, it’s because of that ‘show’ that Dan Wells is not on the other tribe. Well, that along with the fact that his younger brother is there as well. Talk about auto-alliance.
Bree Despain: She seemed pretty chummy with Aprilynne at LDStorymakers. Hence the reason that she’s not on the other tribe. But, everyone that talked to her that I talked to seemed to like her. So, it follows that she’s a worthy member of this tribe.
Howard Tayler: (If he comes to my blog, I hope he notices how accurate I spell his name.) It was difficult putting the third ‘writing excuses’ member on the same tribe with Dan Wells or Brandon Sanderson. Reason I’m ok putting him here even though there may be an auto-alliance with Dan: Howard is most likely to vote every single person in this game off without meaning it personal because he’d be ‘playing the game’. At least, that’s my opinion. Plus, he’s got the best b.s.ing skills out of every person in the game.
Julie Wright: She’s funny and fun. That makes her a good addition. I don’t think I’ve seen her not smile. Maybe she’d smile getting voted out.
Brandon Mull: Yeah, I’m putting him in this list a little late. Regardless, we’re talking about someone whose fame is pretty high. He actually makes this tribe one with the ‘bigger fame’ along with Stephenie, Dashner, and everyone else.
Rachel Ann Nunes: My wife loves her books. She’s very original. (And pregnant, so there’s a problem there again.) But Rachel is normally funny and smiling as well. She and Julie would have a good alliance if all they had to do was smile.
David J. West: And the final member of the Moroni tribe is a new up-and-coming author. Unlike Elana, he is already published prior to me posting this. But he’s a cool guy (and someone that I’ve gotten to know personally who is really cool.)

Wow! What a great set of two tribes. I mean, honestly, I’d watch it if they were to do it. Just to see them compete and vote each other out, it’d be pretty fun. So, who do I think would win? My top 5 candidates are: Howard Tayler, Sarah Eden, Jerry Borrowman, Marion Jensen, and Julie Wright. Why? Well, like I said for Howard, he’s most likely to play it as a game and not take anything personal. Sarah Eden and Jerry Borrowman are strong underdogs, which make them so likeable that they’ll win. Marion Jensen seems to be one with the ace up his sleeve and will calmly get to the end. And Julie Wright? I don’t know, just gut instinct. I know, I know, I didn’t say Dashner. But, like Howard Tayler once said during a writing excuses podcast: “This isn’t the James Dashner show”. Because of my fandom of Dashner, people would probably vote him out to spite me.

Who do you think will win? And why? Leave a comment below. If I had something to give away, I would. Maybe one day I can give away my book when someone else publishes it or I can get sponsors and give their books away. (hint, hint, wink, wink)

Alien abductions are involuntary, but probings are scheduled.

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52 Responses

  1. What a fun post. Your idea is fun, and it was cool just to see all those LDS authors listed together like that. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Well, I’ve never watched Survivor. Seriously. Never. So, I don’t know all the rules about voting people out or anything, but I like your lists of authors. They are all incredible.

    • To be honest, I’ve never met another LDS person in the state of Utah that actually watches Survivor, only me. Let me rephrase that: active LDS person in the state of Utah…

  3. This. Is. Awesome! Totally passing this on to friends.

    (Out of your top 5, I vote for Sarah. She’s a spitfire.)

    • And I didn’t even meet Sarah, I just listened to her during boot camp and the description presentation. I think she’s got what it takes to win. Not that you don’t. She’s just a spitfire, as you said.

  4. Wow. It might be that I just finished the Serial Killer book today but I would have to say Dan Wells. Creepy. Horrific. He could blast all those OTHER authors away.

    But I also really like Bree Despain, Annette Lyon, Rob Wells, James Dashner and the likes of everybody you listed.
    Jeez.
    i think I might be a lds author stalker too.
    HEE-hee.

    I follow just about all of them on Twitter already.

  5. Haven’t read Sarah’s book yet. But went to her class. I agree with Annette–She is a spitfire! For sure!

  6. Yep, my money’s on Sarah. But, then Elana did send out all those queries, over 180, and did land a contract so that says perserverance to me. I think it’d come down to those two for sure, unless the final contest was coming up with some random, little-known usage question then it’d be Annette.

    Fun post.

  7. I never vote for myself. Ever. But in this case I would for two very simple reasons.

    Reason A) I can open a can of tuna fish with my bare teeth. I would think that skill has got to come in handy in a survivor contest at some point.

    Reaon B) Matthew Buckley and I get separate votes, right? That should work in my favor as long as I don’t get all split personality under the pressure of the game. Matthew and I should be a pretty tight alliance.

    Oh, and Annette? For not voting for me? Buckley and I are coming after you first.

    • Well, I can’t really say that Marion and Matthew should be playing at the same time. It’s kinda dangerous, especially if they were on opposite tribes. So, to appease the cause, I may permit Matthew to go into the game after Marion is voted out.

  8. Sweet! I’m in the top five. It’s because people are under the illusion that I’m nice and therefore non threatening (i’m a better actress than anyone gives me credit for ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). watch out Howard, I’m gunning for you!

  9. I’m not sure who would win, but I think a video of the highlights would be great after-dinner entertainment at Storymakers Conference next year.

  10. I vote Julie all the way. She smiles but underneath it lurks the dark, calculating (delightfully good!) mind of a true saboteur. She read her death thieves and I knew I’d found a true dark-writer. But she’s sneaky. She’ll fool you with her inherent goodness.

  11. Thanks for the mention, but I have to add you have no idea what I am capable of.

  12. Classic! I would love to see this as well ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. This could be a workshop at next year’s conference. Lock all of us in one of the meeting rooms and see who emerges alive. (Pssst. I could probably crawl out through a ventilation shaft while the rest of y’all are goin’ at each other.) Plus, when a person is the size of the immunity idle, it’s that much easier to locate it. “Hmmm. If I were my size, where would I hide?” Tuh-duh.
    Look out, Moroni Tribe–Nephi Tribe in duh house!!

    • And see, that’s why Sarah was chosen in my top 5 to win the game.

      Hmmm…..how to get all 20 of these people there and lock them into the ballroom……………………………

  14. As usual, Janette Rallison has overslept, missed the boat, and is tribeless. Oh well, I will find a palm tree to sit underneath so I can write while Brandon takes on James. Somebody had better watch Dan carefully though. He may be a serial killer.

  15. Ha! Funny. I think each person should be able to take a weapon of choice from their book.

  16. Thanks for the laughs!

  17. Ha ha ha! This is totally awesome! I would so watch this. Janette, I’ll be tribeless with you. What say we go to Cold Stone?

  18. What? I didn’t make your top five? That must be because my skills exceed even your expectations. I am mean, Tim, very, very mean and quite ruthless. I can write strongly worded letters that would make Dan Wells cry, yes, cry and as soon as he disolved into big fat tears his fans would turn away in embarassment. Mr. Monster indeed–what about Mrs. Monster? No one saw her coming. I’ll have you know I’ve been a cub scout leader for nearly 10 years–I am fierce!

    As for Sarah Eden–she’d definitely be competition, but like Rae and Katniss in Hunger games she and I would team up until someone voted her off (she might be too sweet to live, I’m just saying). I would mourn her, but then her family would send me weapons like twitter feeds to gain support and peanuts for anyone with an allergy. Never mind that I bet I’m the only person who can make a chocolate cherry chip dutch oven cake–they would have to give me immunity to avoid eating bugs. Never underestimate the power of cake.

    I plan to pit Howard and Jerry against one another–enough said.

    Marion–well, I know his weaknesses (cutting edge technology he’d be missing out on while the competation was in play–I’d needle him about that constantly “Too bad we don’t have a feed agrigator, huh Marion?”) and I would play that one to the hilt. He’d actually volunteer to go home half way through.

    Julie—hmmmm, everyone loves her, myself included, which makes her a trickier player to defeat since if I work against her, I become the hated one, but I think if I stock myself with enough Dr. Pepper I could at least keep us a team as long as possible. I bet we could tie that game–she does have a ruthless side, I’ve seen it and if I can somehow use that to my advantage…

    I’m just gunna pack some sunblock, two sticks of gum, my favorite lawn rake and I”m ready to go.

    When do we start?

    • Josi, Josi, Josi. A lawn rake can only take you so far. I possess cat-like reflexes and the ability to leave my competition helplessly crippled by bouts of unending laughter. You are wise to contemplate an alliance with me, but I am beyond sweet… I am “suh-WEET,” and that, my friend, is what wins the game.
      And, further, cake does have power. But I know how to make Dr. Pepper from roots, rain water and the rays of the sun. That, I believe, will prove far more valuable. Think of what our fellow survivors would be willing to give up for that once the hidden stash has run out.
      Whaaaahaaaahaaahaaa!

    • Oh, but Josi…you see, technology will be key in this contest. How does the saying go? In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king. With online access gone for everybody else, I’ll just rig up a Smartphone using nothing but bamboo, coconut milk, and the cartilage from a large muskrat (excellent conductivity properties) and people will be begging me for vital information on what plants are safe to eat, how long to boil Dr. Pepper before it’s safe to drink, and of course they will all want to check their Facebook accounts. I can exchange time on the information highway for alliances, boiled Dr. Pepper, and muskrat nuggets. And if somebody turns against me I’ll just point them to poison oak and tell them that it’s good for a rash. If Saturday morning cartoons taught me one thing itโ€™s that you can take an anvil in the head and walk away from it with no lasting injury. But if it taught me two things, the other thing is that Knowledge is Power. And Iโ€™ll have all the power.

  19. This is such an awesome idea! I’d vote Annette because words are powerful and she’s the word nerd. I mean, it’s a no-brainer. Though, now Dashner may have me struck by lightning…nah, I’m not well known enough.

    I’d totally watch. Moab. This summer. Let’s do it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. This is great! I’d watch. Both teams are strong and pretty evenly matched. I like your picks but watch out for David J. West. He’s wiley and would not be beneath weaponry. Robison Wells would get voted off for drinking all the Dr. Pepper, and nobody could sleep with Dan around. Not a serial killer, my hiney.

  21. Dude! I can’t believe I didn’t get on Dan Wells’s team. Oh well, at least I got Sanderson. ๐Ÿ™‚

    A weapon of choice from our books would be awesome. I have Tasers in mine!! Dibs!

  22. This post is hilarious. I knew some of these authors pre-Storymakers Conference and met most the others at the conference last weekend. My money is on Howard Tayler. After all, he did manage to to get an interview with LDS Women’s Book Review after the Whitney Awards through the clever use of pity and Twitter, lol.

  23. Rob’s drinking all the Dr. Pepper? Oh he is SO the first to go! And Marion, sweety, everyone can open tuna with their teeth. This is not a super-power. Now being able to tell when someone is about to pass gas . . . THAT is a superpower. And Josi’s stocking Dr. Pepper for me? Sweet. I dib Josi for allies! I’ve got my Cutco knife and my ipad. let’s do this thing. And of course i’ll be smiling when i get voted off, Janette and stephanie invited me to go to cold stone with them.

    • Obviously, we have to give everyone water to begin with and have a competition where the winners get a case of Dr. Pepper……noted

  24. Survivor’s a nasty game and, judging by the responses here, I’d have to say my money’s on Josi. She seems to have the best game plan AND she’s got a killer instinct.

    Not being from Utah, I DO watch Survivor and she can play it in several ways:

    Flirtatious, offering smiles and treats to all the guys; smart and silent (yes, I believe she knows the power of silence and when to use it…I’m just not sure Sarah can pass up the opportunity for a joke, and we love her for it!); the perfect Parvati-like ally…not too overpowering in shape or apparent ambition (but deep down…she’s gunning for everyone); or totally nice and likable.

    Not to take away from Annette, Julie, Rachel, Jessica, or Elana (though I know she can be awfully tough, having just sat through her query workshop), but they just don’t seem to have that killer instinct. As for Stephenie Meyer, she wouldn’t be caught dead in Moab…too busy with author events. And Aprilynne? I’m afraid I don’t know her well enough to say.

    If you’re wondering why I’m not voting for any of the guys, it’s because one of Josi’s first steps, after the merge (and, believe me, she’d find a way to last that long), would be to form an all-girl alliance to kill the remaining guys off one by one. (The movie’s called “Mean Girls” for a reason!)

    Now, if you had included Heather Moore in the mix, my vote might have been different. She’s learned all kinds of ways to survive in the desert. I could see her and Josi teaming up till the end when Josi bakes her some pita bread using rank flour and gives her food poisoning. Yeah, Josi still wins.

    • Tanya, I loved this comment. Awesome reasoning for Josi to win. I actually did my own little “How things would go” and have debated writing it as a post. I felt bad for not including Heather, but I already had too much Precision Editing Group in there. Plus, Heather’s my first alternate to replace Stephenie Meyer since Stephenie, as you say, wouldn’t be caught dead in Moab. But you know what, Sundance would probably be more punishing right now with our snowstorm. Thanks for the comment and I’m glad I’m not the only LDS person who enjoys Survivor. (I see far too many Parvati potentials: Julie, Sarah, and Josi. I also see Richard/Russell potential in David and Howard.)

  25. I’m the dark horse– no one realizes how silent but potentially deadly I could be. First, I grew up hiking and surviving in the Uintah mountains and laughed at girls who wore make-up to Girls Camp (and those who thought THAT was camping). And second, I’ve read WAY too many books on poisons and weapons and other funky writer stuff that I’d have an arsenal–even with a pleasant look on my face as I correct James’s grammar. ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Okay, has anyone noticed that it’s mostly the women responding here? That just proves my point. The women would rule in this version of Survivor. And Annette, I had no idea the smile behind your similes was so false! Maybe I’ll have to reconsider…

  26. LOL! This was VERY entertaining! If you do set things up in the ballroom next year, is there a room we could all sit and watch the events as they take place? Do you think they would stay on the stage and we could be in the room with them? REALLY! This has some promise and could be a lot of fun!!!!

    • I’m so glad someone else has my thoughts. If I could find a way to get at least 16 members of LDS Storymakers to agree to it, I think it’d be awesome to find a way to do it on a Saturday before the LDS Storymakers so people can watch videocasts or whatever before LDS Storymakers. Then, we can have the final couple of challenges take place at LDS Storymakers. I think it’d be awesome.

  27. I don’t know why no one else has claimed this, so I will: I’ll be walking up and down the beach naked.

  28. Brandon could and would take down any authors of any sort! The only one that could challege him is not on the list, Orson Scott Card!

  29. Ah, the stakes increase!

    First, Rob I worked for years as a nursing assistant, I have no fear of naked bodies, I’ll even bring the butt cream for when Marion sends you to the poison oak.

    Marion–have you not updated your college mammals of north america infromation? there are no muskrats in Moab or Sundance. And since we all know that muskrat cartilage is unique in it’s enzymatic properties you’re out of luck, but I’ll let you put the butt cream on Rob.

    Sarah–there are SOME good mormons who would never think of drinking Dr. Pepper and putting their salvation in jeopardy (I would NEVER) so while your plan is good, and I’m impressed with your root-processing skills, you will not win the whole group. But your cute, and that’s a problem. Perhaps a campfire accident is in order.

    Julie is totally on my side, and so is Annette since I was the first to mention chocolate and I’ve already taken care of everyone else so it’s obvious that while I might win as a team, I will win. Oh yes I will.

  30. I’m betting on Annette. We word nerds have to stick together! You go girl!

  31. Wow. Is this like a real show now?
    I thought it was just a story idea. I’m adding to my vote. Buckley and Jensen–Whoah that is a dangerous combo. I’m voting for those guys for sure.

    But really I wouldn’t discount that Dan Wells guy either. ‘Cause like others said before, he could be a serial killer. Oooh.

    And as for Rob walking naked on the beach—Who IS going to film that?? Count me out, maybe his wife could film him. LOL. and how would being naked be an advantage anyway?

    Scare people away?

    HAHA!
    Love this idea though!!!

  32. Depends on if Jessica can bring her dragons or not – they can be pretty testy. And a redhead with a dragon . . . my money would definitely be on her.

  33. Late to the party, obviously because I’m incompetent and therefore completely harmless.

    I made the top five, but I expect to be beaten out by the sweetness and light that is Julie Peterson Wright.

  34. […] better than the blog itself. If you missed any of the great comments by the authors, check them out here.ย Also, it was cool to learn that Taffy is writing about alien abductions. (You’ll see why […]

  35. […] Survivor: LDS Authors has been viewed about 500 times since it first posted on April 29th. There hasn’t been a week […]

  36. […] what, it’s time for fake-reality-show-with-LDS-Authors! Why? Because I did this last year after Storymakers. And you know what, it’s just a fun […]

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